Thursday, October 13, 2005

Least Likely To Get Laid - Or Looted

First off - hats off to that favorite helmet-head, Maggie T. Mrs. Thatcher, always one of my faves, turns 80 today. I can only hope to wear The Hairdo half as well when I wander towards those golden years. If so, I look forward to a fun-filled retirement impersonating former British female PMs, eh. Can you see it? Scary, huh.

Ladies -- just not getting the multiples you feel entitled to? Maybe it's because you're f-in a fundamentalist. Seems the Stupid People have issues with women gettin' off while gettin' it on. The AFA, yawn, is targeting Target for a boycott as Target is now selling sex-enhancement products in the female products section, wild stuff like Elexa by Trojan. Sounds more like a toga-themed porn selection: Helen Tours Paris and Hector. Troy Comes In Elexa... you get the point.

But hey, since it's right there with all that other stuff I just have to have in my life everytime I go to Target, no doubt I'll toss a tube into the already-overloaded shopping cart. Or heck, maybe I'll just get inspired and go wild right there and then, and break out the WOW-inducing product in the freakin' aisle -- as I'll no doubt be so crazed with an HBO-induced lust that I won't be able to wait the 15 minutes needed to jump in the Sport-Ut (as Clark calls them) and get home to the PRIVACY of my McMansion, filled no doubt with sex toys, and proceed to Get It On, with a gay guy no doubt -- right in front of someone's family values! Care to volunteer for conversion to Gracieanity, AC? Thanks for the inspiration, AFA. Even nice Christian gals have been known to do that which they can imagine. Shocking, n'est ce pas?

And please, just keep your joyless idiocy away from us normal folk, you Stupid People. They are the ones who need Jesus, now more than ever. In fact, I could've sworn I saw Him just the other day, browsing the sex products section at the new Tattoo Target. And yes, his hair was perfect.

Don't miss this hilarious story, one just humming with the essence of life, on hanging with the White Folk before and after Hurricane Katrina. Here's a bit for your sampling pleasure:

Haywood Hillyer was his name. He had been two years behind me in school. We weren't good friends, just pieces of furniture in each other's lives. He had grown up four blocks away from me and now lived two blocks down the street, in the smallest house in the neighborhood.

Any panel of judges would have taken one look at Haywood's house and voted it Least Likely to Be Looted. Haywood nevertheless insisted on risking his life to protect it. Outwardly conformist - clean-shaven, bright smile, well-combed dark wavy hair, neatly pressed polo shirts, gentle and seemingly indecisive manner - Haywood was capable all the same of generating a great deal of original behavior.

Full story here. And here's another, way drearier account of what it's like to be living in NOLA about right now. Still, no matter how tragic and dreary, given a choice of fucking a fundamentalist or having to live in a post-Katrina NOLA, I'd take the NOLA and run. Hard.

Be sure to tune in to WRFG today at 12 noon. I'll be rapping there about blogging. And if you can, think about donating, preferably a LOT of money, to WRFG. The station is just having a heap 'o woes about right now.

And look, The Ministry of Fake News doesn't want to bite too hard on the hand that feeds 'em. Imagine that.

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